It’s too soon for me to say forgive.
It’s been five years and I’m still confused. I haven’t been able to forget. I wanted to know everything but I didn’t want to know anything.
Forgive…? I’m not sure I can.
I want a new life. I just can’t forget the 15 yrs that defined me.
I don’t know who I am.
Looking back you might have well ripped the world out from under my feet.
I couldn’t move. Let alone crawl. Standing up wasn’t an option.
I gave every single thing I had into Us.
The Love I found in Us was a miracle considering where I came from.
To take that away… Destroyed. Me.
Without you the world is harder. It’s abrasive.
It’s like taking an addict away from its addiction and throwing it on the concrete of reality.
Cold. Colorless. No emotion. No life.
It’s like finding yourself in a 8 year old state of yourself and expecting you to survive.
Taking care of children you created.
And knowing the whole time you had the emotional capacity of an 8 year old version of them.
And the whole world is judging you. Your brother. Your sister. Your Mom. Your Dad.
Every single person you knew before.
They all choose a side and you’re not it.
When you need them.
When you need help finding your way let alone getting up. They choose the easy way. Just like you.
The hurt builds up and turns to hate.
The anger runs your life.
It smothers your thoughts. It bullies your decisions.
It’s like a 2nd voice you don’t question.
It becomes normal.
That same voice keeps you from truly loving another person let alone yourself. It steals your future by taking your hope hostage.
It’s expectations are so low. They define you. Even if you don’t want them to. They do.
And that is your personal definition of LOVE.
How sad is that…?
How much do you hate yourself?
Why is that ok?
What happened to that little girl of you?
Who hurt her so bad?
Who had that fucking right?!
I’m so fucking sorry little girl. Little me. I should have seen. I should have protected us. I’m so sorry I died at that moment. I’m sorry I haven’t lived since. Not in a proper growing sense.
It’s so huge. It’s so great. The world.
How can I, stuck at age 8, move forward with life when I’m stuck.
Stuck in pure fucking terror?
These are the real moments of my life. These are the thoughts that define me.
That little girl.
That big girl.
I’m so sorry.